Saturday, March 8, 2014

Depression is..

I am a 20 year old male with Major Depressive Disorder. There are a few things I would like to explain about depression before people jump to the wrong conclusions. First of all being sad is not the same as being depressed any more than having a runny nose is the same as having the flu. One is a symptom of the other, however they are not equivalent. That being said, there are many people out there who have no idea what depression actually is. Contrary to popular belief, depression is not being sad and mopey to your friends or crying about a bad break up. Depression is not a state of mind, it is a state of life. Depression is not eating a bucket of ice cream and watching the Notebook. Depression is not leaving your apartment for 2 weeks because you don't want to interact with anybody. Depression is letting trash and dishes and laundry pile up in your room until they become insurmountable mountains simply because you can't muster up the motivation to clean up after yourself. Depression is not crying into a friend's shoulder about how hard your life is right now. Depression is not wanting to talk to anyone, go anywhere, do anything, or be anything. You know how sometimes you're really hungry for something and you search your entire kitchen for whatever it is that you are hungry for but you can never find it? You keep opening the fridge and cabinets expecting to find whatever it is that will satisfy your craving, but you walk away empty and dissatisfied. Imagine that feeling being applied to everything you've ever done, and that's kind of what depression feels like. Depression is wanting to dig yourself into a tiny hole in your corner of the universe for the express purpose of rotting away for eternity. Never wanting to eat, see, smell, touch, or even do anything. Before you know it you're going weeks without going anywhere or talking to anyone and you find it hard to simply get up everyday. You stay awake until the wee hours of the morning in a pseudocomatose state just so your brain is too tired to continue thinking. You sleep in until mid afternoon and find it hard to make it through the day without a nap. You keep telling yourself that you'll get it together eventually and you might even try to every once in a while, but every time you do you find yourself slipping farther and farther down into insanity.

Friday, March 7, 2014


The last time I tried to keep a journal it didn't exactly turn out, so I figured I'd give the online angle a go. For anyone seeking insightful prose: I suggest you look elsewhere. This will not be a blog for others to read, but for me to write. Hence it will mostly be me rambling about different aspects of my life, most of which will probably not interest the common reader. I just need a place in which I can collect and organize my thoughts. That being said, here goes nothing..